You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize