doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize