That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
