They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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