Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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