Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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