and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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