I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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