I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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