Your face is a jimmy john
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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