forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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