You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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