So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
