Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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