i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm sobbing to NWA
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
