apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
