So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
