i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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