i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
