Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize