Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
