Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
