fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
