i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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