i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
