Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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