I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
