i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
