Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
