i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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