You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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