i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize