So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
