We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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