Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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