I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
