Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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