Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
