the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
