at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize