watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
