I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
