i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
