when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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