so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
