4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
