also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
