I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
