Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
