Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
