I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
