i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
