I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
