Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
